I’ve been helping a friend out on his smallholding for the past few months; feeding the animals, mucking out, doing manual labour, that sort of stuff. I’m not really sure what my motives were for getting involved, but in retrospect I wanted to get into some skill based, anti-intellectual activities after studying for so long. When I am working, working with my hands or my body, I’m not really thinking, part of my mind is focusing on the task at hand but most of it is just spinning around in this subconscious messy state. I get the same feeling when I’m exercising or cycling. It’s as though my mind isn’t quite big enough to focus on the task at hand and simultaneously sustain a line of thought, so it just cobbles together a load of random thoughts instead.

It’s partly liberating, to not really be thinking about anything, but also frustrating. I’ve got into the habit of feeling like I am wasting time if I am not doing something intellectually productive, whether that’s reading, writing, meditating, thinking or whatever. I feel as though I am being unproductive when my brain is vegetating. I’m trying to get out of this mindset and get a bit more space in my head, but I’m also hoping that leaving my thoughts to their own devices for a while will help my brain organise itself and that when I get back to ‘thinking properly’ my head will be clearer than it was before. I also get frustrated with the erratic mess of all these half-thoughts whirling round in my head, It makes me wish I could meditate properly and obtain some peace and tranquility to balance out the chaos.

Regardless, it’s a interesting new experience, and I’m enjoying learning some physical skills. It’s fantastic to feel the effects of working in my muscles and bones.